Big surprise: I have something to bitch about.

But it requires a bit of background info. Owen, who is now 2, has what's officially known as an "expressive language disorder." Basically what that means is that he barely talks- yet there's no known physical reason why.

There isn't anything wrong with his mouth, or his hearing. His receptive language is at or above age level- meaning that he can understand language like any average two year old. And he is affectionate and communicative, which pretty much rules out autism.

So, "expressive language disorder" could mean that he is just stubborn and doesn't want to talk- or that he has some problem connecting the words he knows to his mouth- or something else. Really, God only knows.

He has been going to speech therapy for a few weeks now and seems to be trying to imitate more sounds. I personally just think he needs to spend more time with other kids who are talking, but the state program that is paying for his treatment recommended one on one therapy.

Okay, so here's the bitch: when I explain to other parents why Owen doesn't talk, many of them actually say, in a tone of self-congratulatory complacency "Oh, mine's been talking since (insert age). I just always talk to her! I talk to her all the time, and read to her, even if it's something silly."

How do I respond to something like that?

I've been so tempted to say things like "Oh gee, maybe it's that whole sensory deprivation thing I do with my kids that isn't working for me. I guess the closet isn't the best place to learn language."

I mean, do people not realize that implicit in that statement is the insinuation that I don't talk to Owen enough and it's my fault he doesn't talk?

All I have to say is that certain people take WAY too much credit for their kids. Hey, everyone learns to talk- even "Nell" who was raised by wolves or whatever made up a language. The human urge to communicate is strong, and even kids who grow up in homes where there is abuse or neglect end up TALKING. So don't puff yourself up over your kid learning to talk- chances are that that would've happened anyway.

And be VERY VERY careful about what you say to people whose kids are less perfect than your little darlings. There are a lot of feelings on the line when it comes to kids.

Let's put it this way: would you tell a woman whose child had Down's Syndrome "I always took my prenatal vitamins, I guess that's why mine didn't have any birth defects!" in a chirpy tone? No, of course you wouldn't. So why make comments along those lines to me regarding my son's speech delay?

It's just plain rude.

Dear older hippie-ish lady driving beat-up nasty blue Honda, CA plates, 4AHW300:

Did you really think I wouldn't notice that you slammed into my rear bumper and scratched it all to hell in your desperation to get to a left turn lane clearly blocked by traffic?

You obviously knew you hit me, you whore!

I am the first to admit that my van is a piece of crap, but you could have at least shown the slightest concern- even a lame "I'm sorry" wave would have been better than driving away as if it never happened.

You are a disgusting person.

Sincerely,
Sarah Ford

Dear older straight-laced gentleman in suit driving a Buick LeSabre, CA plates ECY???:

Next time you hit someone's parked car and DRIVE AWAY WITHOUT A SECOND GLANCE, you might want to make sure they're not out in their front yard playing with their kids and making a mental note of your height and build to describe you to their mob connections.

Okay, I don't have mob connections. But IF I DID YOU WOULD BE SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES.

Thanks for looking at me in a frightened way in your rearview as you drove by, hoping it wasn't actually my car even though you were beginning to suspect otherwise. It was really a good substitute for a simple "Gee, I'm sorry. Here's my phone number in case of damages."

You are a disgusting person.

Sincerely,
Sarah Ford

Dear man I backed into at the bank last week:

Thank you for calling to note that everything is fine and that there is no damage to your car.

You were so kind and sweet on the phone, reassuring me that it was a simple accident and you don't plan on pressing charges. Which was that much easier for you since YOU HAD MY PHONE NUMBER, which I left on your car with a printed apology.

Which really was not that hard for me to do. It only took a second. And it was, of course, the right thing to do, as there was a chance I had damaged your property through my own negligence.

Thank God at least I can look myself in the eye.

Sincerely,
Sarah Ford