Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Featured Link: Dooce.com

Dooce.com is a must-read for any mom. It's written by Heather Armstrong, a former Angelino who now lives in Utah and has a cute little girl.



Her observations on life and motherhood are both hilarious and heart-stoppingly accurate. Sometimes when I read her posts I am amazed at how she has captured my exact feelings, even feelings I was barely conscious of having and I almost wonder if she's been spying on me for the last four years.



Her most recent post, Welcome Mat, reminds me so much of how I felt when Owen was a baby.



She talks about dividing the day into increments, each increment getting her closer and closer to the minute her husband walked in and she could finally dump the baby into someone else's arms.



I remember doing that exact same thing. Sometimes I feel like I spent Owen's first six months watching the clock in silent desperation, feeling so trapped by him and his neediness and yet so in love with him at the same time that there was no place for all that resentment to go.



Anyhow, check out the site, I guarantee you will find something there you'll relate to.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Top 5 Best/Worst Things About Having Kids in Your 20's

Top 5 Best Things About Having Kids In Your 20's



1. Sleep deprivation is no big deal. I hear lots of people say that they spent their 20's partying all night and getting up for work in the morning. So think of it like that, except that instead of partying, I've spent my 20's breastfeeding.



2. I have lots of energy, so I don't really need "help." I take my kids everywhere- to the store, the farmer's market, for long walks, and I'm not utterly dependent on a nanny to do it. In rural Illinois, this would be completely normal, but in L.A. I tend to get this look of utter amazement- "You're out taking three kids for a WALK? With no nanny?"- from people peering over their steering wheels, perplexed and annoyed at actually having to stop for pedestrians when the WALK sign is flashing. I also get this surprised look from certain moms at the park, who all ask tactfully if I have "help-" a subtle way of asking if I have a nanny, without exactly ruling out the possibility of "help" being a relative or a friend. It seems like everyone in L.A. has "help" of some kind-  the pediatrician even once obtusely suggested that I leave Owen at home when I go out to run errands (because he was peeing constantly and I was telling her how annoying it is to have to take him to the bathroom twice during one grocery shopping trip). I looked at her like she was suggesting I leave him on the moon... leave him home? Go out with only ONE kid, or maybe even by myself? Such a luxury exists? Not for me. But that's okay- help, schmelp. I'm young and stupid- I can do anything.



3. I am young and stupid. I am just stupid enough to enjoy motherhood without freaking out about every little possibility of danger in the world. I don't stay up nights worrying that my baby will choke to death on one of those little rocks that Owen is always collecting. I don't lose any sleep over the ingestion of certain non-food items (dirt, sand, etc.). I hardly even notice anymore when Stewart bashes his head or bleeds profusely from the knee (it just happens SO often). Part of that is because I've experienced such things enough to know that they are absolutely unpreventable- you can't guarantee your kid's safety absolutely, whether they are 13 or 3 months old. All you can do is your best. But part of it is my inexperience- I haven't had a lot of tragedy in my life yet so I don't sit around worrying about when it is going to strike. I'm just stupid enough to believe that none of it will happen to me- which, when it comes down to it, is the only way to truly be happy. Who wants to spend life worrying about what MIGHT happen?



4. I don't have to spend my forties chasing after a bunch of whiny, greasy toddlers. (Okay, that sounds bad, I'll admit. I love my kids, I swear- but GRRRRR). By the time I'm forty, I'll have a trio of teenaged boys, who, granted, will keep me up at night ill with worry about them being behind the wheel of a car, but will at least be able to dress themselves and eat without having their food cut up for them (I really hope). My worry may be greater, but at least the day-to-day physical strain of having little kids- chasing them, tickling them, lifting them, lugging their strollers and car seats around, bending to help them with their pants and shoes- all that will be a thing of the past. I will be able to rest my creaking knees and have a Diet Coke without anyone sticking their fingers in it- and quite frankly, that's how I'd prefer to spend my forties.



5. Adjusting to the kids is easier. Adjusting to life with kids has not been too rough for Kyle and I because we started our family so early into our marriage. We were only married for one year before I got pregnant with Owen, so our kids have kind of been woven into the routine of our marriage. This could be looked at as a negative if Kyle and I were one of those couples who have nothing in common but the kids, and were in danger of becoming strangers and divorcing once they move out, but I don't think that's the case with Kyle and I. We are such good friends and share so many of the same interests that I think starting our family early has been overwhelmingly positive for us. It has forced us to work together and really become a team for our kids, especially because our families live so far away and the only person we have to rely on is each other. I think that if we had been married for many years before having children, we would have gotten very comfortable with that groove and had more trouble adjusting to all the changes that children bring, and trust me when I say that adjusting to your first child is hard enough without any extra challenges.



Top 5 Worst Things About Having Kids in Your 20's



1. I've never really had the chance to travel. Of course that doesn't mean I never WILL travel- hopefully I'll still be healthy enough by the time the kids have moved out that Kyle and I can take a few trips. But we missed the chance to travel when we were young enough not to care so much about money. I think traveling in our 50's will be far more sobering because after putting three kids through college and trying to plan for retirement, we will see so many other necessary places for our money to go. Where does your money go in your early 20's? What important expenses do you have? You live in a crappy apartment, drive a crappy car, and practically live on your credit cards anyway, so why not throw in a couple of crazy trips to Europe? You can't afford it anyway, right? Hearing Marylou talk about all the great trips she and Steve took in the years before they had kids totally makes me jealous of those experiences because when I do have my own, they won't be nearly as fun and crazy- I'm never going to, say, get drunk and lost in Cabo San Lucas and spend the whole night trying to get back to my hotel and have a hilarious story to tell about it (CLARIFICATION: that's just an example, not a story Marylou told me or anything- I don't want to make her look bad :). I mean, there's nothing fun and crazy about being drunk and lost when you're a retiree- it's just SAD at that point.



2. I never really got to "party up" my 20's. Sure, I got wasted a couple of times at Mid-western college bars where the beers are a buck, the music is recorded, and the dance floors are sticky. But that pales in comparison to what a city like L.A. has to offer in terms of nightlife (at least I assume- I'll never get the chance to find out, because by the time my nights are free, I'll be far to old to make it past the velvet rope).



3. Kyle and I haven't had as much time with just the two of us. Above, I mentioned that having kids early has been overwhelmingly good for my marriage. However, there is still the downside that Kyle and I didn't get to spend a lot of time together before our kids were born, and I would've liked to have that time with him even if we never did travel or party. An evening of videogames and Twizzlers sounds good to me.



4. I am not very patient. I'm 27 years old, so I think, act and move quickly, and sometimes I have no patience for my kids when they can't keep up with me. Sometimes I am amazed at how quickly I am irritated by the kids when they act ineffectually, or slowly, or worst- not at all. I know I need to appreciate how much they don't know yet, how much of life is new and interesting to them and not always be rushing them along. I make it a point every day to remind myself to slow down and appreciate each day with these little guys and to just enjoy who they are, even when they are wasting my time by arguing, dawdling, shuffling, and engaging in pointless behaviors. But for me, it definitely has to be a conscious effort. I've noticed that patience comes more naturally to older mothers- they have acquired a certain grace with their years that allows them to react with more tenderness to behaviors that seem to do nothing but irk me. I definitely envy that, because I obviously want to give my kids as much tenderness as I can in these few short years where they actually want tenderness from me.



5. There aren't very many mothers my age. As a 27 year old mother of three, I am kind of against the grain of most L.A. mothers. People in this city seem to have children in their mid-30's or 40's, which means that by the time I'm 43, relaxing with my Diet Coke, finally ready to go to a movie without getting a sitter, most of my friends will have just started their families and I won't have anyone to hang out with. I will be all dressed up and ready to party like it's 1999 (literally), and my friends will be calling me for advice on getting a baby to sleep through the night, or getting a three-year-old potty trained. The worst part is, I won't remember a thing about these long days of motherhood- it will all be blur of sleep deprivation, sticky messes and sweet, gummy-worm smelling kisses. All I will be able to tell them is what all the older people are now telling me: Just enjoy it, because it goes SOOOOO fast...

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Problem of the week 6/22/06: Kyle's Beverage

Okay, am I wrong to be annoyed by the fact that Kyle cannot leave the house without a beverage?

Sometimes we are seriously driving to Sav-On, and yet Kyle has to have a Diet Coke or a coffee from home, and if he forgets to grab one, he has to DRIVE THROUGH someplace to get one! It's unbelievable! The guy cannot take a two minute drive without a beverage in hand.

Why does this bother me?

Three reasons.

Number One: He ALWAYS leaves the can, cup, or coffee mug in the van's cupholder. Usually, I throw them away for him because they annoy me, but if I don't, he will simply move the empties to the next cupholder when he arrives in the van with his next beverage, until there are no more cupholders whereupon he starts tossing them in the back.

Number Two: He's always dripping and slopping them all over the place. The worst is when he has to make his special drive-thru trip and has to screw around with cream and sugar and leaves the little ripped up Equal packets strewn about, and sometimes even spills the sugar all over my pants like he did last weekend.

Number Three: I HATE that I have to get myself and three kids ready for whatever outing we are going on, while the only concern in his head is getting a beverage for himself and charging his iPod so he can force us to listen to HIS music while sipping HIS refreshing drink. Meanwhile, I'm lucky if I can even walk to the car as I stagger under the weight of several diaper bags, an infant carrier, and waters and toys for the boys. There are times when I've asked Kyle to carry something and he's literally carrying a freshly burned CD (which he had to screw around with for fifteen minutes before we left), a Diet Coke, and his keys, and he's like "I can't, my hands are full." Can I just tell you how much that makes me want to throw his beverage in his face?

I think the bottom line is that I hate the beverage because it's become a metaphor for every time I've taken care of all the kids, meeting all their needs before ever even recognizing my own while Kyle takes care of himself. It's a problem I know that many of us moms have, and it's not because our men are stupid, or are bad people. They just aren't used to having to pull their weight with the kids so they don't realize how much needs to be done. So tell me; is there any way to get Kyle to step up a little when he's around without my having to point out every little task that needs doing?

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Product Review: I Heart Crocs

I don't know about you, but I have ugly feet. I mean, really, they're not cute.



First of all, they're short, stout little German square feet, just about as wide as they are long. I will never wear cute strappy sandals, because I'd have to get a size eleven (as opposed to a 6/7) for those straps to get around my fat feet without bursting.



Second, there's always something going on down there- whether it's dry, peeling skin from working in the garden all summer, or a raging case of athlete's foot from sweating in pantyhose in the winter. I will never waste money on a pedicure because no amount of soaking, scrubbing and nail polish are going to sweeten these babies up.



What I look for in a shoe is less about cuteness or trendiness than it is about the ability of my foot to actually squeeze inside with a minimum amount of Evil Stepsister-style wiggling and forcing. Remember in the original version of the Cinderella fairy tale when the stepsister cuts off her toes to fit into the glass slipper? Well, that'd be me with a pair of those damn Manolos favored by urban hipsters like Carrie Bradshaw, except I'd have to slice off the sides of my feet.



For me, the closest I can get to trendy is Birkenstocks because they are practically made for fat feet. Sure they merely emphasize the thickness, but they are at least a respectable name and not orthopedic nurse shoes. Unfortunately, Birks are so 1992!



That's why I'm so glad Marylou bought Emma a pair of Crocs, allowing me to discover these "new Birkenstocks" which are fabulous for the entire family.



The first thing I noticed about Emma's chartreuse green Croc sandals was that she could pull them on and off herself, key for preschoolers who want to do things on their own.



I also liked that they were made of a squishy, water-resistant material which allowed them to get sprayed in the hose or washed by the waves without getting soaked, smelly, decayed or uncomfortable.



Well, that's all it took to sell me on the idea of Crocs as the perfect kids shoe for summer. I resolved to get Owen and Stewart each a pair as soon as I found a place where we could try them on.



On Friday, I got my opportunity. Kyle and I took the boys to Century City to see Cars (review on that coming), and there was a Crocs kiosk near the theater.



I immediately picked out a few pair for the boys, and then decided, out of curiosity, to try a pair on for myself. After all, I spend lots of time watering the garden, and what better shoes to use than these? They're fun, bright, and water-resistant.



To my surprise, they were also COMFORTABLE- with a nice arch inside them that made them feel as natural as a Birkenstock. They were easy to walk in- and practically custom-made for fat, ugly feet like mine.



I plunked down $30 for a pair of my own with no regrets. I honestly would probably have paid double- these shoes rule! I have walked quite a bit in them already with no blisters or chaffed skin (I even had some discomfort with Birks during the first week when they were being broken in). And at $30, they are totally affordable for the whole family.



Even if your feet are beautiful, with long-graceful polished toes able to show off the most pricy pair of sandals- you have to appreciate the simplicity and felixibility of these funky shoes that look like something from the pages of an Ikea catalogue.



Plus, even beautiful feet need to wear something to the beach, or to work in the garden- and Crocs are the ideal shoes for such settings.



So check them out- I promise that whether your feet are ugly like mine or drop-dead gorgeous, you will find them, fun, useful and comfy.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Top 10 Great Things Dads Do

1. He horses around with the kids. Let's face it ladies, we just can't wrestle or throw the kids in the air the way Dad can.
2. He buys them all the treats and toys you say "no" to.
3. He takes the kids to McDonald's when you need a rest.
4. He backs you up when you discipline your tantrum-ing two year old.
5. He's your errand boy, the one who runs out to Sav-On at 1 a.m. to get Infant's Tylenol, or to Ralph's for butter five minutes before dinnertime.
6. He watches the kids while you shower.
7. He occasionally cooks; or at least brings home a bucket of chicken.
8. He has to take your son(s) to the men's room. And when they go through puberty, he has to give them "the talk." (I guess if you have only daughters, you're out of luck on this one.)
9. He treats you like a human being, unlike your kids, who treat you like a serving, cooking, nursing, giving machine.
10. He loves your kids like crazy.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Problem of the Week 6/8/05: Staying Focused

I don't know about you, but for me, my home is a place of refuge. Granted, it's juice-stained, finger-print-smeared, and host to floor shaking antics aplenty, but it's still presided over by me and under my control (sort of).

I have my own system for cleaning pee off the potty ring, I know where my "yucky" towels are (used for cleaning up barf and pee or for mopping the bathroom floor), and when I want to get the kids a glass of water or a snack, I know where it is.

Certainly, it's hectic. It's crazy. It invovles a lot of barf and pee. But in the end, I at least feel in control of the mess because it's all mine.

Which brings me to the problem of the week- staying focused on what's important and accepting help.

I desperately need help this month- help with the baby, help getting the house clean, help doing the dishes and other mundane chores.

But it's SO HARD for me to just relax and let someone else do the work.

Especially when "someone else" doesn't use my time-tested systems, doesn't know where my spatula goes, or where to put the kids' laundry.

I'm not one of those anal people who need their house to be perfectly clean, or who criticizes the way others do dishes or vacuum.

But I will admit that having other people put away my dishes and the kids' toys, or fold my laundry creates a general sense of disorder that is hard for me to cope with.

I feel like I can't find anything when I need it, and I find myself being bothered by the fact that all the jammy tops and bottoms seem to have parted ways, and all the socks seem to have come unpaired.

I should be relaxing and counting my blessings. I have a third healthy, perfect baby boy, and a loving family and friends who are surrounding me with help and pitching in to make sure I don't get worn out.

Lost socks? Missing toys? Disappearing colander? They are NOTHING in the scheme of things, and I need to stay focused on this important fact.

Now, would any of you mind telling me how?